How I Used To Torture Wasps

Hello everyone;

   Mid April conjures up thoughts of ....  mosquitoes, bees, ants, gnats, spiders, lady bugs, stink bugs, and those ugly little bugs with a thousand legs.  Give me a break with all these freaking bugs!  I hate them!  They seem to get worse every year.  You can't go outside without being attacked.  April means BUGS!  I dread to see it roll around.  I have seen Jarrod's legs look like somebody has been throwing darts at him from the mosquitoe bites.  And the bees... yellow jackets, bumble bees, hornets... and WASPS! 

So, here is my April ramble on Wasps!  A true story.

"How I Used To Torture Wasps"

   When I was still home my bedroom was upstairs.  A big sliding window faced the road in the front of the house.  Opening the window, you could step right out onto the shingled roof.  I loved that room!  Except for the fact that every Spring all the way through the Fall, I fought the Wasps who loved to congregate inside that big window.  There would sometimes be a dozen or more just crawling around on the inside of the glass.  Like a scene from a horror movie.  And I was stung a few times.  Thus started my mind to working.  Simply killing these little pests seem to merciful.  So, one day I had an idea:

   Back in those days tennis balls used to come in actual tin cans.  Not aluminium - but actual metal cans.  I played some tennis in those days and was pretty good. ( But that's another ramble.)  Anyway, I always had some tennis ball cans lying around.  In the beginning I would take the tennis ball can and simply crush the guts out of the Wasps against the window.  It was fun hearing their little body crunch against the glass.  Their guts would actually ooze out and you could watch life leave their little bodies.  It was fun - but it was quick.  Too quick!

   When they sting you it hurt for days.  And it hurt bad!  I decided crushing these little pests was too easy on them.  They deserved more pain and anguish!  They should suffer more.  Their punishment should fit their crime.

   So, here is what I came up with:  I caught a live wasp in the tennis can and secured his imprisonment with the plastic lid.  Then I shook the can as hard as I could.  You could hear him hitting the sides and bottom of that metal can.  I would spin it around and around.  Upside down and all around.  Just violentley shaking him in that tennis can.  I would peek in from time to time and check on him.  I didn't want to kill him too quick.  When I would lift the lid to peek in ... he would be on the bottom just staggering around like a drunk.

   When I realized he couldn't do anything but wobble around on the bottom of the can and not fly... I had another idea.  I got a box of matches and put a lit match to the outside bottom of the can.  Burn Baby Burn!  I heated the bottom of that can till it turned red.  Match after match.  I gave that Wasp a taste of hell.  It was awesome!  You should have seen him... to weak and disoriented to do anything but stumble on the bottom and slowly cook.  The only thing better than watching one fry on the bottom of the can... watching a bunch of them fry to a crisp!

   But now... tennis balls come in plastic containers!  Awe... for the good old days.

   Thanks and we'll talk more later;

   Lanny Ray